the sad truth

The sad truth is that I am nothing. I am not special or useful. I provide no joy or happiness to this world. No contribution that could help someone else. I am completely useless.  Worse, I don't just do nothing, I take things. I am many of the parasitic people around the world who do nothing and take everything. The passive man, as Ayn Rand called it. The downfall of society. And that is the sad, sad truth.

If you've seen this blog before (And by now I'm sure no one looks because it's basically a whiny teenager complaining about how much their life sucks) You know I promised myself no one would ever see me cry again. ever. because showing emotional pain is one of the biggest weaknesses that can be exploited, and it is one of the big risks of being a human. Especially of one living in a first world country, where people already have material possessions, so they can dedicate more time to other things. Hurting people using non-physical violence is one of them. I'm not going to be a hypocrite; I mock people too; but I never directly insult their intelligence or their selves. Especially because all of the people I've insulted are usually smarter or better than me in some way. I'm not trying to bring them down to my level, however- I'm just trying to prove to myself that they have flaws too.

It's different when you're being deliberately told that you are nothing special. And it's especially hard when you have nothing to defend yourself with, because then that proves that you really are nothing. And there is nothing special you have done that would make you better than other people in some way. that is what almost made me break my promise.
I have an all-state audition in mid January. Naturally because last year was my first time, I bombed it and it traumatized me for weeks. I still haven't really got over how I managed to mess up so badly, but at least I can think about it without cringing now.
This year, since I, by some miracle, landed myself a first chair, I'm required to try out again. If given the choice, I'd avoid the thought of have to try out like the plague, bu there's only three weeks left, and I haven't gotten any better since I plateaued out about four weeks ago. To add insult to the injury, my dad has taken it upon himself to lecture me on why I should put more effort into playing.
I suppose I haven't been it explaining it right to my parents. To me, the violin is bit like a pet dog. Someone else's pet dog. I don't particularly like it, but since it's there, I may as well accommodate it. I'll take care of it, And I enjoy it's company when it's not being irritable, but I don't really love it, nor do I feel the need to.
They've described how "real" musicians feel the music for what is, and expression of emotions  through sound verses a series of notes. I've begun to look upon that place as a utopia I will never understand or enter.
Really at this point it's too late to quit- they've already forced me to waste almost all of my childhood doing this. It annoys me to think that the only time I could have objected to being subjected this tedious daily activity, I was too young to know how to object.

I've basically wasted any time I had to prepare for what happens after I leave the nest.
And now I have no idea how I'm going to survive.

please ignore. It's for Magic pets. -.-

nother blog!?

so this is not really a vent or anything like one, really.
I've recently been spending a lot of time living other people's lives, which is to say, I've been watching a lot of youtube and and other things like it.

So it's come to my attention that I'm considering a lot of movies review posts, which is not the pupose of this blog.
So i'm making another one, which is linked here: anightfuryandmovies.blogspot.com
I'll be posting random videos I've seen and holding conversations about movies I've watched.... with myself. -.-

hopefully I'll actually use it some.

hi. not really.

I watched the Avengers, and I think it knocked How to Train Your Dragon down a spot.
I never expected this to happen! I thought, for the rest of my life, I would spend my time agonizing over the tiniest details of the movie and the story behind the the dragons and extraordinary charcters.

But then the Avengers showed up and that operation screeched to a standstill. Each Avenger has made an appearance in at least one of Marvel's previous four movies. So this basically provides me to with the huge and extremely entertaining project of watching them till I have all of the theme music, plotlines, and quotes memorized down to the "a's" and "the's".

If, of course, I could convince my parents to let me get them. -.-

Then after this round of Avengers, Marvel has also planned an Avengers 2, but not before and Iron Man 3, Thor 2, and, quite possibly, a Captain America 2 as well. Which means I need to hurry to commit the first round to memory before I dive in to round two.

You, know, I think I could do decently as a movie reviewer. :P

g2g

I'm going to China for 5 weeks starting tmrw. So don't expect any activity from this blog until to end of that time period. g2g now, b4 me parents put my head on a spit.

Off I go, off I go, la di da, la di do.

Truce

I'm telling you now; this post has nothing to do with my recent daily life and concerns a mental process I use to keep myself stoic. You have been warned.

I made a truce-or a pact is more appropriate- with myself several months back, a few weeks after TYS auditions, which, just like All state, I failed (but not enough so that I wouldn't make the cut!). Even though it was less traumatizing, I made a promise with myself: I would keep myself in control. I would put a steel lid on the box containing my bitter anger and petty complaints, and weld it in place, so that I would have to blow torch it to let it back out again. In exchange, I would be able to control my facial expressions (mostly of pain) and bite back my retorts till no one was looking. And at that point I could hide in corner and cry myself out, opening myself to all the trifles and biting remarks that had been said to me over the past weeks, letting them blowtorch my Box of control and letting all of my pathetic tears out, before returning in the morning, empty, mellow, and ready to start the whole process all over again. Never again would I have to listen to my parents complain about my sensitivity when I leave the table, my face a mess. Finally, I found a solution to prevent myself from sitting next to 303 in humiliation, tears dripping down my face as I silently listen to its criticisms about every aspect of my existence that always hit home in some twisted way.
Outside of my box, I also have another shield that prevents anyone from the privilege of adding to my Box. I call it my Shell. It kind of works like a private group on Facebook. I'm the administrator, and anyone I'm already acquainted with is a hacker attempting to get into the group. Of course, the hackers aren't the only ones that can damage my Shell. Ms. O'Rawe bears me no enmity, I believe, nor does she show me much kindness, either. But she as she was the one who delivered the news that I did not make a learning gain for my math EoG's. Even though I handed her the hammer, she's the one responsible for for using it to send finger-like cracks all along my Shell by setting up the pizza party.
My Shell can also be strengthened as well. And you may think I need compliments or a good day/grade, but really I'm strengthened most when I feel normal, when I sm average, and no one is watching me too closely or judging me in any way at all, good or bad. If I could be just one person in an endless sea of faceless students, going about my day in a robotic manner, my Shell would be as tough as a titanium alloy by now. But sadly, life as a student is fraught with constant change and diversity, where people change you and are change by others, and, unfortunately, a place where no one's feelings or judgement can be spared.

Some mothers' day it's been so far.

I'm pretty sure mothers' day does not give your mother the right to change her mind about what you should be doing every five seconds -.-, especially if what you're doing has reason to it. But noooooo, she has to win, she has to get her way, no matter how ludicrous it is. It's the weekend! Just leave me alone. Please. This is the only time I have to myself.

I am terrified of_______

I'll explain later.

1. adults that have any direct authority over me; namely my parents and teachers
2. spiders;the big hairy ones with multiple, beady eyes, especially if seen under a microscope
3. red LEDs in the darkness
4. myself
5. all state sight reading
6. FOUND by Margret Peterson Haddix
7. The Oaken Throne by Robin Jarvis
8. A slow painful death; usually deliberate torturing that involves the removal of essential organs

To the point of immobility.

Now for the explanations:

1. Now I don't know how that one really happened, but my theory is that one of the many painfully embarrassing memories I happened to create in elementary school, probably involving one of my teachers, scarred me for life. That and my mom or dad gave me the chewing out of my life. So now, I am at the point of shying away from any sort of adult that can directly tell me to do something and expect me to obey. I don't enjoy being their vicinity, but the fear of my parents isn't enough to prevent me from being defiant.
2. When I was in sixth grade, I took a microbiology elective, where we spent most of our time using a microscope. At one point in the quarter, someone found and caught a spider. Not a big one, mind you, but sufficiently hairy enough for me to keep my distance till they had it safely trapped between two Petri dishes. When someone had finally got it focused, most of the class crowded around for a look. when I finally found the courage to look into the eyepiece, I found eight shiny, black, and beady eyes placed on the top of something that resembled a brown dust bunny staring at me. Needless to say, I have never looked at a spider the same way again.
3. I've lots of late nights working on the computer of late, and when I've finished, I have to go downstairs to pack my bag for the next morning. Downstairs, there is a TV set with a DVD player that has two led lights positioned side by side. The stair case is is located so that we you prepare to go back up stairs, you see two red dots.....that looks like eyes... that are staring at you...nuff said.
4. This one kind of explains itself, but I'm terrified of ruining myself, whether it's being an idiot or engaging in a yelling match with my mom, point is, I'm going to be my most likely COD.
5. This one is kind of lame, but I've only auditioned once. That one time, I sight-read first, which I suck at. So I failed it. And I knew I was going to get an awful score before I even saw the numbers. I was depressed for a week, and I'm sure my parents were very grateful when I returned to my regular satirical self.
6. I don't remember the details very well, but I remember a bit about a Taser....that and I remember fearing to leave my bed after the darkness sets in.
7. See #6, except change the Taser bit to personified animals being skinned alive.
8. This requires no explantion.

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." ~Bette Midler

The disturbed Night Fury will be returned to it's cell at the mental ward at this time. Thank you for your cooperation.

You know what?

Never mind. I value my life over theirs. The only reason Why I chose the other path originally was because you can't be punished for commiting suicide(but You can be If you don't succeed....)

If I could kill them, I would have years ago.

Title says it all.
I would have years ago, but I can't.
It's so vexing.

I have nothing to say today.

Seriously. Na-hing. Zero. Zilch. Na-da. Goose Eggs. Though how goose eggs relate to the word nothing I question...
so I 'm basically going to fill this page with random stuff.

I got my braces off. (insert Ron's voice from Potter puppet pals here) Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Not really.
My gums feel like I took some chewing gum and stuck it between my real gums and my lips.
On's the bright side (Waitaminute i'm supposed to be pessimistic. How did I find a bright side?)
*cough* Anyway, on the bright side, at least my lips can stay closed naturally now.
Here comes the retainer era! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! Not.

My friend Sicheng recently got braces. Apparently they hurt. and she HATES them.
See? That's is how much she hates them. They deserve capitalization and italics.
and bold face. and underlining. and...oh wait, that's it.

Ok I'm done.

aoooowwwwwwgh gh gh gh ggh

Sorry about that. It's my frustrated sound effect for the week.

So.
I think I need to ask the Egyptian god Thoth to make five extra days like he did with Nut (go look it up; I ain't explainin'.), because I. NEED. MORE. TIME. Seriously though, I do.

I had a grand total of five hours of sleep last night, including the time I spent TRYING to fall asleep.
Honestly, I don't even know how I made through the day while not losing consciousness. I have homework I don't understand, and Enloe orchestra audition tomorrow which I hadn't time to practice today, and a project due.
I am worried about my homework, partially because I'm asian and it's an I have obligation to finish these things, and partially because I actually DO need to understand this stuff for the test.
I am utterly terrified of failing the audition, partially because of the actual auditioning bit and partially because I 'm afraid of my reaction afterward if I fail (you should have seen me after the All-state audition; I was a wreck for a week.).
I am stressed about my project because not only does my grade hang in the balance, but so does my partner's, whom which will be holding me accountable for doing my share of the work. Not to mention the coals I'll be raked over if my parents knew I had any intention of turning it in a day late.

So, that's all I'm worried about at the current time. I'm sure more will come to me later, after I'm out of this stress cloud.

"Deep down, I'm pretty superficial." ~Ava Gardener

The disturbed Night Fury will be returned to it's mental ward at this time. Thank you for your cooperation.

Hunger games (yeah that's right, I'm following that trend)

...
So I watched the movie (if you're hoping for spoilers, go away right now cause they ain't gonna show up)
It was good, but the first muttation made me spray popcorn on my shirt.
Oh yes, and the injured/burned flesh recreations were good.
Disgusting and disturbing, but very realistic.
and the depiction of the inhabitants of the Capitol:
Wicked :D

Apparently loads of people are complaining about how Rue is black.
wth!?

You fricking cried over her in the book and now you're complaining the movie didn't do the thing properly?! Seriously?

I get that Katniss kept comparing her to Prim, but that doesn't mean they have to look alike.
They were both young, vulnerable (Prim more that Rue), named after plants(hehe), and they were both pure of heart. I don't think that has much to do with ethnicity, now does it? That's what hurt Katniss so much after Rue was injured (cough cough), becuase she felt like she had failed her sister.

I actually imagined that Rue would be African American when I was reading it
BEFORE anyone was casted for the movie.
Just to give you some perspective, Amandla Stenberg haters.

Oh yes, to anyone who has seen this blog more than once, I am now a distubed Night fury.
That right. A mentally disturbed Night Fury.

What would you do with your share of the Mega-million jackpot if you'd won?

Oh yeas and:
Something We Asians Got
That does not mean I'm asian.
just wanted to see an interesting reaction.
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base" ~Dave Barry

numbered

• The title inadequately describes this post.
• It should be bulleted
• But I'm too lazy to change it
• O woe is me
• ....
• I'm interested in the Tiger's Curse series
• And to any of you who know me
• don't look that up
• it will ruin my reputation forever
• Because it's so similar to the twilight saga it's ridiculous
• except the third book
• it only has three books so far
• I am waiting feverently for the foruth one along with countless others
• that are too cheap to buy it and have to wait for their local library to get a copy
• ...
• This is why i only have 3 followers on this thing.
• ....
• I should be working on a LA project right now
• it's fun b/c it involves music
• I'm an Owl city fan
• sort of
• only because you have to think to understand the meaning
• unlike songs that make no sense
• *coughpokerfacecough*
• or songs that are too easy to understand
• *coughfridaynightcough*
• .....
• Here's a nice message on harry potter from H-E-double-hockey-sticks itself!
• remember to read the author's note
• ........
• ok I'm done
• "I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not." ~Fran Lebowitz
• Cami Cazi over and out

I hate_______

• My life
• This universe
• My existence
• My brain
• Emotion
• Her ability to cause pain
• Doubt
• The ability of attachment
• My__________(fill in the blank)

You get the idea.

Oh, yes, something interesting... page views a grand total of 180! that's the measure of a straight angle!
*sai
I am so random.

"It's not that I'm afraid of dying; I just don't want to be there when it happens." ~Woody Allen

belarghhh

My life is the sort that induces depressive behaviors:

• I hate this planet.
• I'm in a controlled anger sort of mood right now.
• I really need to kill something right now. Or at least knock someone unconscious with a frying pan.
• (kudos if you recognized the Tangled reference)
• Allow me to repeat myself: I hate this planet.
• school is hindering.
• I hate this planet.
• Heck, I hate this universe!
• I don't like this universe anymore
• My brain sucks.

Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Lives
Sorry if you don't get it.
Not Really.

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." ~Roseanne Barr
Cami Cazi over and out

hi

...
so....
...
#$%&*%$%#@#&*@*$@%$*@#$%&!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*pant,pant
...
sorry about that. Please excuse that outburst and forget it ever happened.
...
Is there no reasoning with her!!!! I just feel like ranting about anything random because I'm tired and moody and I want to give up on something and I need a little empathy for being an idiot but noooo...
she decides to take offense because it will (eventually) affect every one's sleep schedule (this is a school that starts at 9, after all >.>) and starts talking, not directly at me but saying all the things she would say to me to her invisible best friend that sits next to her at all times for everything she does, which makes it worse, in a way.
At that point, I gave the effort up for lost and just sat back for the ride. Not that it was a fun one. This is usually how our arguments-if you could call it that-deteriorates. I attempt to crawl out of the cesspool I got stuck in, she creates a explosion which scares me back inside, and we start all over again in a few days.
...................................................................................................................................
And she thinks I'm sexist! She's giving my brother permission to hurt me! why? because she says he needs to learn to "man up"! that's why! And also, she can't seem to accept that my studying habits are different from that of my brother. I can't just look at the words for two minutes, be tested on them, and go back and have a look at them agian! That just doesn't work for me! but nooo, she has to have me do it like that anyway. DX

Ok, I'm done, see you later.
Cami Cazi over and out

help thee, for thyself is dying

I am screwed.
.....
I didn't really have to post that statement, because my mood is still being unusually sunny, but it felt right.
Guess what?
...
That was a good guess, but it's not quite right....
......
.....
Never mind, I take that back, you're a pretty bad guesser. >3<
Okay, here it is:
MYMOMFINALLYBOUGHTHOWTOTRAINYOURDRAGONIAM
SOHAPPYEVENTHOUGHISHOULDNTBE!!!!!!!!!!!
*pant, pant
....
*coughs
*ahem
In other news, Eileen and I made up a (cynical) parody of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
...
It's the worst possible time of the year
'Cause the animals are dying and bullets are flying
We all live in fear,
It's the worst possible time of the year....

It's the worst possible time of the year
With atomic bombs dropping and hearts that are stopping,
The end is quite near,
It's the worst possible time of the year!  :D
.....
Well, we only made up two verses, and I changed some stuff Eileen (sorry!)
But you must admit I am the more depressing!
So I will be asking a favor to anyone who happens to read this:
Could you write another verse? If it's any good, I'll add it to the post!

really, reeeeellly random

well.
um.
It seems that my blog is probably appearing a lot more on google searches because I wrote that bit about souls and the purpose of life yesterday in Questions,which I actually wrote last July, which is why it's under the 2011 July tab, which I just dicovered.
But since then, I've got 16 views, none of them long enough to count as an actual viewing of a post. So, today I'm going post random sentences on certain topics, and see how many accidental views I get. I think this is a good way to spend my time, don't you?

The Venus fly trap is carnivorous, of course, but it still relies on its roots, even if it's just to keep it firmly stuck to the ground.

Shakespeare had a certain period of his life in which no one knows about what he did or where he went, and that's saying something because they literally have an entire library dedicated to him.

Personally, I think the idea of breast implants is a little sickening; it's quite a bit shallow too: you might get more attention, but it's unwanted attention. They're more trouble than they're worth.

You know how snakes are considered to be bad and everything, right? I wonder if there's a way to turn that around. Well, I guess not, what with books like Harry Potter making them all evil and stuff. But I suppose it would get a lot more criticism if Ms. Rowling used butterflies instead...

Paranormal Activity 2 was an odd movie, don't you think? I never actually watched it myself, but from what I've seen and heard about it, you either loved it, or totally and completely hated it. I already know I'd hate it, having watched the first movie already, and that's why I didn't see that one.

Cami Cazi over and out

happy? ness?

Sorry I haven't been posting for a while... Math Midterms and the four project were making me depressed. Oh well, that's over, so I'll try to return to regular programming. :)

So, I feel like being whiny today.
Let's see...hmm.... what annoying things happened to me today?

Oh, of course! My mom yelled at me again! Something about sleeping in...
It kind of dampened down mood, though, I can tell you, what with the fact that it's Chinese New Year and all, you know?
Oh, crap. I have to pack my violin for TYS! Gotta go!

four hours later.....

So, sorry about that, I had to go play in the TY Symphony...
Anyway! so guess what! my mom just found out I'm skipping lunch! for the geo+alg2 parties!
and for those who know me, you can guess that she flipped out, cause we're only bringing fortune cookies cause she didn't want to bring spring rolls (they really are pretty expensive, you know), and is suddenly frantically coming up with crazy solutions, like cooking cauliflower for the class. Now, don't get me wrong, I love her cauliflower, and I'm sure everyone else would too, that is, if they could get past the way it looks....
Anyway, I get satisfaction from seeing her freak out like that, because it doesn't happen too often; it's only when she finds something out at the last minute.

...

Wow,this is a long post. at least for me.

..........
.................

Oh, yeah! I'm reobsessed with httyd; now through pictures and fan fics! you'd be shocked at how many httyd fanfic pages I have bookmarked. :)

This wasn't a very depressing post. I guess that's because I've been in an unusally good mood this weekend. I'm sure why, and It actually started to creep me out yesterday.
To anyone who reads this and happens to be a therapist or a psycologist, is there, like, a mental disease with these kind of symptoms?

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." -H. L. Mencken

Cami Cazi over and out