Truce

I'm telling you now; this post has nothing to do with my recent daily life and concerns a mental process I use to keep myself stoic. You have been warned.

I made a truce-or a pact is more appropriate- with myself several months back, a few weeks after TYS auditions, which, just like All state, I failed (but not enough so that I wouldn't make the cut!). Even though it was less traumatizing, I made a promise with myself: I would keep myself in control. I would put a steel lid on the box containing my bitter anger and petty complaints, and weld it in place, so that I would have to blow torch it to let it back out again. In exchange, I would be able to control my facial expressions (mostly of pain) and bite back my retorts till no one was looking. And at that point I could hide in corner and cry myself out, opening myself to all the trifles and biting remarks that had been said to me over the past weeks, letting them blowtorch my Box of control and letting all of my pathetic tears out, before returning in the morning, empty, mellow, and ready to start the whole process all over again. Never again would I have to listen to my parents complain about my sensitivity when I leave the table, my face a mess. Finally, I found a solution to prevent myself from sitting next to 303 in humiliation, tears dripping down my face as I silently listen to its criticisms about every aspect of my existence that always hit home in some twisted way.
Outside of my box, I also have another shield that prevents anyone from the privilege of adding to my Box. I call it my Shell. It kind of works like a private group on Facebook. I'm the administrator, and anyone I'm already acquainted with is a hacker attempting to get into the group. Of course, the hackers aren't the only ones that can damage my Shell. Ms. O'Rawe bears me no enmity, I believe, nor does she show me much kindness, either. But she as she was the one who delivered the news that I did not make a learning gain for my math EoG's. Even though I handed her the hammer, she's the one responsible for for using it to send finger-like cracks all along my Shell by setting up the pizza party.
My Shell can also be strengthened as well. And you may think I need compliments or a good day/grade, but really I'm strengthened most when I feel normal, when I sm average, and no one is watching me too closely or judging me in any way at all, good or bad. If I could be just one person in an endless sea of faceless students, going about my day in a robotic manner, my Shell would be as tough as a titanium alloy by now. But sadly, life as a student is fraught with constant change and diversity, where people change you and are change by others, and, unfortunately, a place where no one's feelings or judgement can be spared.

Some mothers' day it's been so far.

I'm pretty sure mothers' day does not give your mother the right to change her mind about what you should be doing every five seconds -.-, especially if what you're doing has reason to it. But noooooo, she has to win, she has to get her way, no matter how ludicrous it is. It's the weekend! Just leave me alone. Please. This is the only time I have to myself.

I am terrified of_______

I'll explain later.

1. adults that have any direct authority over me; namely my parents and teachers
2. spiders;the big hairy ones with multiple, beady eyes, especially if seen under a microscope
3. red LEDs in the darkness
4. myself
5. all state sight reading
6. FOUND by Margret Peterson Haddix
7. The Oaken Throne by Robin Jarvis
8. A slow painful death; usually deliberate torturing that involves the removal of essential organs

To the point of immobility.

Now for the explanations:

1. Now I don't know how that one really happened, but my theory is that one of the many painfully embarrassing memories I happened to create in elementary school, probably involving one of my teachers, scarred me for life. That and my mom or dad gave me the chewing out of my life. So now, I am at the point of shying away from any sort of adult that can directly tell me to do something and expect me to obey. I don't enjoy being their vicinity, but the fear of my parents isn't enough to prevent me from being defiant.
2. When I was in sixth grade, I took a microbiology elective, where we spent most of our time using a microscope. At one point in the quarter, someone found and caught a spider. Not a big one, mind you, but sufficiently hairy enough for me to keep my distance till they had it safely trapped between two Petri dishes. When someone had finally got it focused, most of the class crowded around for a look. when I finally found the courage to look into the eyepiece, I found eight shiny, black, and beady eyes placed on the top of something that resembled a brown dust bunny staring at me. Needless to say, I have never looked at a spider the same way again.
3. I've lots of late nights working on the computer of late, and when I've finished, I have to go downstairs to pack my bag for the next morning. Downstairs, there is a TV set with a DVD player that has two led lights positioned side by side. The stair case is is located so that we you prepare to go back up stairs, you see two red dots.....that looks like eyes... that are staring at you...nuff said.
4. This one kind of explains itself, but I'm terrified of ruining myself, whether it's being an idiot or engaging in a yelling match with my mom, point is, I'm going to be my most likely COD.
5. This one is kind of lame, but I've only auditioned once. That one time, I sight-read first, which I suck at. So I failed it. And I knew I was going to get an awful score before I even saw the numbers. I was depressed for a week, and I'm sure my parents were very grateful when I returned to my regular satirical self.
6. I don't remember the details very well, but I remember a bit about a Taser....that and I remember fearing to leave my bed after the darkness sets in.
7. See #6, except change the Taser bit to personified animals being skinned alive.
8. This requires no explantion.

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." ~Bette Midler

The disturbed Night Fury will be returned to it's cell at the mental ward at this time. Thank you for your cooperation.

You know what?

Never mind. I value my life over theirs. The only reason Why I chose the other path originally was because you can't be punished for commiting suicide(but You can be If you don't succeed....)

If I could kill them, I would have years ago.

Title says it all.
I would have years ago, but I can't.
It's so vexing.